Last night was Samhain, the Witches New Year. That in mind, I thought it would be a good time to go over the changes in my life.

I've been in a pretty horrid depression for a while now. I'm starting to come out of it now. After some (I still think unnecessarily harsh) words from a couple of good friends of mine, I decided that I had to do SOMETHING, so I decided to start taking back control of my life. I started with, of all things, Practical Lunacy, because it just seemed like the easiest thing and because since that's my stress relief, if that was better, surely other things would get better. So I started doing the show three nights a week; I revamped the opening theme and parts of the website. Once that went well I felt alot better. Odd the effect a simple hobby can have. I actually felt empowered. I talked to my boss at work and let them know that I wanted things straightened out so that I could get my yearly review because I frankly deserve it, and after they verified some facts, I have now been told that I will be getting my yearly review ASAP. This would never have happened if I didn't asert myself for it, which I never would have done had I not taken back my radio show, which I never would have done (until I completely snapped) had Justin not sent me a harsh note and had Friday (my internet pal) not walked out on me. Domino effects are funny.

Other changes I have made include: getting myself a new bank account (yay!), telling my mother-in-law off and the fight that followed (yeah, I know that doesn't necessarily SOUND positive, but it was), and having the realization that I can't change the world, only my reaction to it. Now, that's not to say that I don't still complain about shit when I'm sitting around bullshitting with my husband, but I know that if I want to change things, I have to do something instead of sitting around and waiting for the world to do it for me because I feel it's owed to me. Granted, I still think things are owed to me, but that's another issue.

I've also started hanging out with Kerri again, which is cool. She is one of my oldest friends. I've known her for about 20 years. And I even made a new friend OUTSIDE OF WORK! Her name is Nicole and she's a friend of Kerri's and she is awesome!

I'm not saying I'm all better, because I'm really not. I'm still scared of Victor (even if he IS not anywhere near here), but I have learned that it's not something that I can "get over" as so many people keep telling me to do, but something that I have to work through.

So take from this what you will, but I feel better, and I feel healthier.

So for quite some time before leaving Florida, I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown… Various types of stress at work, not being able to make ends meet financially, and problems with … him…

I really thought I was doing better when I got to NY… I wasn’t nearly as tense in general, and I could, at least, sit outside alone after dark with no problems! I still tense up every time I see a gold Saturn, but these things don’t go away overnight. Then I started working again and things just got BETTER really. I LOVE my new store! None of the problems that I had at my old store. I fit in here, don’t feel like people dislike me and purposely leave me out of things; don’t have half a dozen people giving you different orders all at once; don’t have asthma problems from the sprays; don’t get made to feel inferior about things. It’s great! My mother-in-law makes me nuts with her very strong (and very WRONG!) political views, but I can handle that by just not being near her much and not getting into political discussions with her at any cost.

Then when Hurricane Gustav was active, my mother-in-law insisted on having every television in the house turned to 24/7 reporting of it (to see how it was going to affect the Republican convention) and it brought back flashbacks from 2004 and being glued to the TV watching Hurricane Charley (then Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne) coverage, and while I know that they didn’t actually hit where I was, I was still massively affected by being struck with fear and panic, and this whole hurricane business brought back all of those feelings, as irrational as that sounds. Tropical Storm Hanna was headed to us and expected to bring some really bad weather, but nothing that was any worse (or even really as bad as) I had seen being hit by the outskirts of Charley, Frances, and Jeanne. So, easily taken care of by telling myself how irrational I was being, I got over THAT fairly quickly.

Then there was issues with the bicycle… I don’t really even feel like going into it, but I apparently managed to buy two bicycles in two weeks that were improperly assembled. The effects of the first one caused me some semi-serious injury as I have not had full proper use of my right hand since the day I fell due to the pedal coming off and there is a bruise so bad on my breast that the pain radiates to my shoulder!

I also found out while riding home from work the other day that, while I may be able to walk around at night with other people and be absolutely fine and I may be able to sit in the yard at night alone and be absolutely fine, I am still afraid of being out alone at night. I was practically in tears from a gripping sense of panic by the time I got home.

My cat is making me nuts and majorly pissing off my in-laws by pretty much deciding that he is no longer going to be litter trained. I don’t know what to do anymore, because I can’t follow him around the house picking up cat poop every time he decides he’d rather use one of the bathrooms instead of his litter box, and my father-in-law is threatening to take him to the pound now… With all of the other recent changes in my life and recent slams to my sanity, I don’t think that I can stand to lose him, but I don’t know what else to do at this point.

I spent the day with my mom today and she’s not nearly as active as she’s always been… In fact, she’s not active at all anymore. It was very hard to see and I pretty much went into tears when I got home.

While I was in Florida I had friends that were fairly absent and completely unsupportive. Here, I don’t have friends at all other than Mike (who admittedly, is awesome!) and some extended family, of which, only Lisa is really helpful, so not much progress has been made in that department.

There is also a potential severe problem at the bank, which, for once, we are ENTIRELY BLAMELESS for!

So… with potential financial issues all over again, issues with my cat, a fear of my bicycle, being afraid to be out alone at night, my mom declining… I am NOT okay. I really thought that I was going to be okay… Now I’m really not so sure. I'm currently exhausted, but unable to sleep, so instead, I sit here in tears and writing this...

So I went to my appointment this morning. It wasn't quite what I expected... Though I didn't enjoy it. I'm not sure what was worse; the counseling session, or the medical portion... It's been reccomended that I see a counselor for PTSD, which they said I have the symptoms of, and they gave me some xanax and sleeping pills. The medical part... Well... A pap is never a fun experience, but in this case even worse. I won't go into details of the report, but it wasn't fun... They also drew 6 vials of blood and they are apparently testing me for everything from HIV to pregnancy, which is something that I never even THOUGHT about, so now I'm even MORE anxious. I've been giving a six week regimen of pills as well as a ten day regimen of antibiotics... Fun! And I'll be getting back SOME of the test results by the end of this week and some will take a couple of weeks. I've been given resourses for group therapy as well.

I just wanted to get it all down.

So, life continues, though finally at not as break-neck of a speed. Things are going fairly well, actually.

Mikal is now working full time for Walgreens while I still plug away part time at Triple B. It still leaves us with barely enough money, but at least we're not drowning. Work is work... I like customer service and I love Harmon and the bath department. Fatima is finally back after her two month or so long medical leave, which is really good because I missed her.

I hate stupid customers! Tonight, there was this lady in the store at 9:40 (we close at 9:30, but we don't throw our customers out) and I stopped and asked her if she needed any help. And her response was "No, not right now... I'll be done in 20 minutes or so." I was like "..." So when I went up front and let Kari and Susan know there was still a customer on the hard side, Susan informed me that she was aware of the woman and had let her know that the lights would start flickering on her soon since we were closed. The lady didn't care. Heh.

I continue to be tortured by my psychotic ex. He actually got to me about two weeks ago. My own stupidity really for opening the door without checking to see who it was. I didn't want to go to the police. I've lost my faith in the system since the whole restraining order crap. I haven't really talked much about it thus far. I've made an appointment to speak to a rape crisis counselor, so we'll see if it will help. Such fun it is to have to carry pepper spray. Le sigh. I think I will be okay with the help of a few people that are being supportive.

I had my four month exams in the beginning of June, and everything came back good. I'm still in remission. The gods are still smiling on me. I'm also losing weight! Yes, I bought four new pairs of pants for work in the beginning of April because I had lost too much weight to wear the old ones, and I now have to wear a belt to keep them up. At this rate, I'll be back into a size 14 soon. Yays!

I've started taking pictures again, which is nice. I got this new camera, which, while not professional or a high-end camera, is a really good one. It has a decent macro lens, and I've been able to get some nice photos of some of the various flowers around here. I also bought a sketch book the other day. That's right, I've started drawing again! I'm really rusty, but I suppose we'll see if I still have any talent.

For anyone that may be waiting to hear, the final plan is to go up to New York on the 16th of July and to come back home on the 22nd. We have yet to work out how we will be getting from the airport to my in-laws' house when we get in. We'll figure it out eventually. Now to start making plans to see all the wonderful people that we only get to see every once in a while, when we go up there.

So, I've finally gone and gotten onto deviantART. I have a few friends that use it, so I've been meaning to for a long time, but finally decided that it was worth it, notably after speaking to what I can only call a long lost friend and discovering that he has a page.

I'm not sure what of my work I'll actually put up here. I may be a voyeur for a while. I've been working on a novel for the past almost two years, that I'm not sure I'll ever finish. The subject matter became too difficult for me after a while, and I've left it by the wayside. I used to have the finished chapters published on an online publishing site, but it has been removed.

I also write poetry, do artwork, and photography. So we'll see. Just letting everyone know that I'm here.